Keep Calm and Parent On
A guide to calmer parenting and better communication.
Picture this: you’re rushing to get the kids out the door for school, lunches packed and backpacks ready, but one is delaying, the other is arguing about which shoes to wear, and the third is nowhere to be found. Before you know it, your voice is raised, and you’re yelling for everyone to hurry up. Well, that was me as early as last week. I try not to, but kids, teenagers especially, have a way of putting you in that zone.
At that moment, yelling is the only way to get their attention and restore order. But yelling can have unintended consequences, like creating tension, fear, or resentment. At the moment, it felt great to yell, but then I realized that I was starting their day off like that; there's no telling how they would take that in school.
It’s easy to start raising your voice when things get hectic, but there are ways to change this pattern and foster a more peaceful household. — Be forewarned, I am a parent, and I am not telling you I have this challenge solved as I am learning as well, but I am mindful as my kids and I are getting older.
I learn from my wonderful spouse, who is more patient than me. And from parenting material. I have realized that shifting away from yelling and towards more effective communication with your kids is a valuable goal many parents work towards.
Becoming a parent who doesn’t scream is a process that requires time, patience, and practice. I have been a parent for 16 years now, and I still mess up. I don’t aim to be a perfect parent but a better one with each passing day. A parent who my kids enjoy being around.
Here are several strategies I learned and applied that might help you in your parenting journey:
Understand Triggers: Identify what triggers your yelling. Is it certain behaviors from your kids, feeling overwhelmed, or not getting enough personal time? Understanding these triggers is the first step to managing your reactions. I get triggered when I tell them to clean up, and they take too long. I feel disrespected, and it immediately upsets me.
I am working on that and realize I need to calm down in my approach and develop better communication methods. I have gotten a lot better, trust me, but every now and then, I do erupt.
Practice Self-Care: Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s necessary to be a calm and present parent. I take some alone time when I get in a cranky mood because the kids are not doing their chores or homework, and I have to pull double duty to ensure the house is okay. I will take some time to walk, read books, or do what I want, which seems to relax me.
One of my latest hobbies is dropping into thrift stores. I decide that I might be wound up, and a bit of downtime is what I need, and it works wonders as I go back to the kids in a relaxed mood.
Set Clear Expectations: Children thrive with structure and knowing what is expected. I have standards in my household regarding respect for yourself and cleanliness, and my kids know that once they fall below the standards, they will hear from me.
I am not a tyrant at all, but I like my place to be orderly. I communicate my expectations about their behavior and the consequences if those expectations aren’t met calmly and clearly — obviously before I lose my cool if I have to keep reminding them.
Focus on Positive Reinforcement: Instead of negatively reacting to undesirable behavior, reinforce good behavior with praise or rewards. This encourages your children to repeat those behaviors and creates a more positive environment. This was a challenge for me as I never grew up in a household focused on positive reinforcement, but I see its benefits.
Communicate Effectively: Use “I” statements to express how you feel about certain behaviors without placing blame. For example, “I feel frustrated when toys are left on the floor” instead of “You always leave a mess. As a kid, I didn't have this luxury.
My mom is old-school Jamaican, and when we messed up, we were called everything under the sun. I love my mom but hated it when she spoke badly to me. So much so that I promised myself at eight years old when I was old enough to have my own family. I'd never talk to my kids the way she spoke to me. And gratefully, I still lived up to that promise. Of course, I raise my voice, but I don't berate, embarrass, or hit my kids at all. That alone is something I am immensely proud of.
Apologize When Necessary: Playing off of effective communication, I apologized where necessary every time I yelled at my kids.
Showing your kids that you can admit when you’re wrong and apologize sets a powerful example. It teaches them about humility and the importance of acknowledging mistakes. I believe this was a big part of my parental growth, and I don't hesitate to apologize, especially after I have cooled off.
Seek Support: Sometimes, the stresses of parenting can be overwhelming. Don’t hesitate to seek support from your partner, friends, family, or professional help.
Parenting classes or family therapy can provide strategies and support for managing stressful situations more effectively. Talking with other parents is always a relief because you realize that all kids seem to have the same tendencies — to annoy their parents; just kidding. However, talking with other parents brings wisdom from unique sources and ideas.
Educate Yourself: Many books and resources are available on positive parenting techniques and how to communicate effectively with your children. Learning new strategies can be incredibly helpful. here are some great choices
- “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish: This classic book offers innovative ways to solve common problems and build foundations for lasting relationships with your children. It provides effective communication strategies, dealing with your child’s negative feelings and encouraging autonomy.
- “Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool” by Hal Runkel: Runkel’s book focuses on the idea that staying calm and centered is key to effective parenting. It offers insights into achieving emotional calmness and connecting with your children on a deeper level.
- “Calm Parents, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life” by Dr. Laura Markham: For sibling rivalry, this book provides strategies to foster a peaceful relationship between siblings and encourage mutual respect and cooperation.
Each book has its unique approach, so you might find it helpful to explore a few to see which resonates most with you and your family’s needs.
Lastly, practice mindfulness and patience: Mindfulness can help you stay centered and calm, making it easier to respond to challenging situations with patience instead of frustration. Becoming a parent who doesn’t scream is a process that requires time, patience, and practice. Celebrate small victories, and don’t be too hard on yourself if you slip up. Remember, aiming for improvement, not perfection, is key.
I hope this helps and please share some tips I am always looking for ways to become a better father.
All the best.
